Rage, Grief, and Ambivalence towards My Mother’s Death

An Inheritance of Refusal

Abstract

This autoethnographic essay confronts the entangled legacies of silence, violence, ambivalence, and estrangement between a mother and daughter. Written two years after the death of the author’s mother, it explores how cycles of cruelty, denial, and emotional absence shape identity, caregiving, and grief. Rather than offering a narrative of healing or reconciliation, the essay articulates “the inheritance of refusal”—a deliberate act of boundary setting, withdrawal, and nonparticipation in expected familial roles. Through narrative and theoretical reflection, the author critiques the cultural and familial expectations of daughterhood, especially for daughters who are never allowed to be children, who are expected to submit in the name of duty or redemption. Refusal, in this context, becomes an embodied survival strategy of reclaiming dignity through noncompliance. Drawing on theorists like Saidiya Hartman and Sara Ahmed, the essay positions refusal as both a personal ethic and a political stance. Ultimately, the author aims to give voice to those who grieve incoherently and survive complex maternal legacies with no decipherable cultural script. It speaks especially to those who were never protected, who learned to nurture themselves through withdrawal, and who are still learning what it means to forgive—or not.